Holding Rowan
by Redballoons7877
Summary: A series of letters from Victor Benedict to his Soulfinder, Rowan, while she's deployed.


**Author's Note: So this idea's been annoying me for a while. I'm not sure what you guys will think, so let me know. It's just a small something while I finalise my Minnie story. I hope you enjoy, and please review!**

 **Disclaimer: Victor and the Benedicts belong to Joss Stirling, while Rowan and her family belong to me.**

* * *

 **October 5th 2013**

Dear Rowan,

Hey there baby. It's been, what?, three months since I last spoke to you. I know you said that it'll all be fine, and that we'll be together soon, but I miss you. I wish you were here with me. Our bed's cold without you. I don't want that to sound clingy, trust me! I just meant it as it is. I mean, I'm not there often, you know that, but I.. Yeah, I'm not sure how to end that sentence. You know me, always struggling for words. You take my breath away, and my ability to create coherent sentences.

Anyway, I've got to go. Mom's ringing me, and I have to answer. You know what she's like.

Hollis, Emery and Hudson send their love.

Hurry home to me, okay?

Vick x

* * *

 **October 9th 2013**

Dear Rowan,

Since I got this idea in my head - to write to you, that is -, all I can think of is what I'm going to put into my next letter. And I know what you'd say. I know you like I know myself. You'd say that I should shut up and get on with it. That you'd be home soon. That I'm being an idiot and that I've got family that I need to look after. That I have no time to be worrying. But I do. I do worry.

Mom keeps trying to get me to do the laundry. I do do it! I promise! I said that I would, and I have. I do. ...Not often though. I'll admit that I cut corners now and again, and mom has done it a few times, but the office has been crazy.

And that's not an excuse. I never have an excuse for you. You see right through me. Always have, and always will.

I miss you babe. So does everyone else. They all send their love.

Hurry home to me, okay?

Vick x

* * *

 **October 19th 2013**

Dear Rowan,

Hudson said his first word today. You'll never believe what it was! Mama. That's right. Mama. You're not even here and the kid already prefers you over me! I don't think I can believe it, he's thirteen months old now. He's gotten so big. And he's going to be a lady killer when he grows up, I can tell that already. I don't know why I'm surprised at that, you know my brothers - they'll be rubbing off on him. The twins miss you too. They miss you a lot. Hollis was asking about you again this morning. She wants you to come home soon. So do I, but I know you're busy, and I know you can't.

Your sister came over yesterday. Not Avery or Riley. The other one. The one that I don't like too much (sorry babe). Morgan. That's the one. The twins loved seeing their auntie, I think they're sick of just having male relatives around. She had some fantastic news - she found her Soulfinder. You'd like him, apparently. His name's Tyler, and I'm not allowed to meet him yet because she doesn't want to scare him off with extended family. She thinks I'm "scary". Lucky you're not like that, eh? You met my family within a couple of weeks.

She nagged me to call your mom too, who misses you like crazy. She's too frail to come up to see me and the kids, but I'm planning on surprising her for a visit around Christmas. I think she'll like that.

Anyway, I've got to go. The kids wish you were here, as do I. Your mom sends her love.

Hurry home to me, okay?

Vick x

* * *

 **November 23rd 2013**

Dear Rowan,

I feel awful for saying that I was constantly thinking of things that I wanted to write to you, and that since then you've only received one letter... I'm sorry babe. Like always.

The twins' birthday is coming up soon. Their dad wants to see them on it. I know you're not a fan of the man, but since you're not around, I gave him the okay. As long as I'm there, of course. I wouldn't leave them with him. You know how much I love them, they're pretty much my own kids. He wants to take the girls to the park and then for a meal. It seems innocent enough. He seems like he actually wants to be part of their lives now.

Either way, I'm having to travel to New York for work in a couple of days. Hudson, Emery and Hollis will stay with mom, she's already offered to look after them. It'll be the first time I've been away from them since you've been gone. I'm not looking forward to it.

The kids're crying, I think Emery took Hudson's teddy again. I love you, Rowan.

Hurry home to me, okay?

Vick x

* * *

 **December 6th 2013**

Dear Rowan,

I miss you babe. It was the twins' fifth birthday yesterday, and Austin came. He was fine with them, nothing special. Nothing dad-like, if I must say. Emery didn't even know who he was, and Hollis cried when he picked her up. If he wants to see them again, he'll have to wait until you're around. I'm not fixing that relationship without you.

It's been two years since we met. Remember that? We stumbled into each other at that bar. We probably shouldn't have drank that much, I mean we were strangers and... Well. Then you told me you were pregnant with Hudson. Lucky us, huh? I freaked out, babe. I tried to hide it, but I did. I thought I had my Soulfinder out there, and I didn't want to have to explain a silly mistake to her.

Finding out you were my Soulfinder was the best thing in the world. That day at the lake. That was a mistake too. I have to try so hard to avoid them for my job. The FBI don't do mistakes. I don't regret a single thing though. I have you, I have Hudson, and I have our girls.

I love you, babe. Hurry home to me, okay?

Vick x

* * *

 **December 25th 2013**

Dear Rowan,

Merry Christmas, Ro! Should be our second one together, but you're god knows where. We went to see your mom a couple of days ago. We met Tyler (you know, Morgan's Soulfinder) too. He's a bundle of laughs, and reminds me of Xav. So naturally you'd love him. So your sister was right. She's happy, Ro. She really is. Riley was there with her partner and kids, but Avery's still in Portugal, finding herself. I laughed when I heard that excuse, and you would have punched me for it. You know I think that's bullshit. Your parents spoiled our kids rotten, like always. I'm not sure how mine can beat that!

I know you say that not everything's a competition, but I grew up with six brothers. Everything is!

I miss you. I wish I could hold you right now. I know you're doing something important, that you're protecting our country, but I need you here. I'm falling apart. It's been five months. I lasted twenty-six years without you, and yet... I don't know whether you get these letters. I send them, but I get no response. I love you so much, babe. Please. Can I just have something to let me know that you're okay? That you're thinking of me too?

Hurry home to me, okay?

Vick x

* * *

 **January 4th 2014**

Dear Rowan,

Emery cries for you at night. I try and do my best, but I'm not her mom. Everyone is doing what they can while you're deployed, but darlin', you're needed here now. There's just over six months until you get back, and I swear to you that I am counting down every day until I have you in my arms again. I love you more and more each day that we're parted.

Hurry home to me, okay?

Vick x

* * *

 **January 22nd 2014**

Dear Rowan,

I love you baby. You're still not here, and that's okay. I'm doing better now. I've got into the swing of things - a few months too late though, eh? Hollis made me into a pretty princess today. I'm still wiping off the eye shadow. You don't have any tips on how to get rid of it quicker, do you? Baby wipes don't seem to be working too well. But yeah, Hollis plaited my hair and put a crown in. I can see you now, you would have been laughing your head off. But I don't mind, you know? It made her happy.

The girls still ask after you each night. They ask if you're coming home tomorrow, and they don't cry when the answer's no any more. They just ask me to read them a bedtime story. I've got the voices down, but they're not as good as yours'.

Hudson's still growing. Avery finally came back last week, and she treated the kids. New outfits for all. Emery went for that bloody Elsa dress. Hollis went for Anna. And Hudson got an Olaf baby-grow. According to mom, he looks adorable. Just wait until you see them!

Surprisingly, it's Zed that sits and watches Frozen with the girls. He gets home from work and comes round to give me a break. They adore him - I think he wins "Uncle of the Year Award". I haven't heard him complain about it yet, though I give it another week.

The washing's just finished, so I'd better wrap this up. I miss you, and I love you to pieces. The kids can't wait for you to come back.

Hurry home to me, okay?

Vick x

* * *

 **February 14th 2014**

Dear Rowan,

So according to Will, signing off with "Hurry home to me, okay?" is the most pathetic thing ever. I really don't care. Because I want you to come home. I want you to come home in one piece. I can deal with him and the others mocking me, as long as I know that you're okay. I haven't heard from you, so I'm taking it that no news is good news. I don't like it, but if that's all I can go on, then fine. I'll deal.

Happy Valentine's Day. I've saved all of your presents for when you get back. And we're celebrating later this year. I've booked a romantic extended weekend away to Ireland for August. I know how much you wanted to go to Ireland. Remember telling me that? We'd been together a few months, and I promised that I would take you. I'm sure that between our families we can find a babysitter, so we can do this. Just you and me.

Your babies love you very much. Hollis did an amazing drawing of her family at Pre-K the other day - I've included it with this letter. Emery draws like her mother - awful. I added in her drawing of you too, I thought you might want to see my evidence since you never believe me!

You've been deployed for seven months. At the beginning, I was mad you were in the army. I mean, I was constantly asking myself why you would be so damn selfish to join up and leave your family. But I know you're being selfless. Because that's who you are. And you were part of it before we met, and I don't want to be that controlling husband who demands you stop doing something you enjoy. I'm happy being a Military Husband. You won't believe the amount of nice people I've met. I've had to limit my contact with all of them though, because the FBI is keeping me busy. The kids are spending more and more time at my mom and dad's. I'm missing them as much as I'm missing you right now.

I'm being hurried away again, babe. So you hurry home to me, okay?

Vick x

* * *

 **March 1st 2014**

Dear Rowan,

Happy birthday Ro! We celebrated. I even baked. And by baking, I mean I completely failed at baking and no one would touch it. Not even Will, and he'll eat anything. Trace takes great pride in reminding me that you're older than me - but only by a couple of days. Again, I've got your present saved for when you get home, and the girls really enjoyed helping me wrap it. It's a little damaged, but I'm not sure what I expected!

Your cousin Donald's been arrested again. Sorry to have to tell you on your birthday. He was caught stealing from the bank. Apparently compulsion does not get you out of a jail sentence, not that I ever want to try and find out.

So hurry home to me, okay? So I don't have to find out.

Vick x

* * *

 **March 21st 2014**

Dear Rowan,

I've got some brilliant news! Xav found his Soulfinder! They're not together yet, but he met her at one of his competitions. You know, his skiing thing. They've been competing against each other for a while, and they found out in the middle of an argument. He's already completely besotted with her, Ro. Her name's Selene, and she's a firecracker. Definitely not the sort of person that I pictured him with. According to Yves she's lovely. I can't wait to meet her, and apologise for how hectic everything is.

I hope she is to him what you are to me. You're my best friend, Ro. I find something funny and I turn to tell you, and you're not there. Don't worry, I'm storing it all up. Just you wait until you get home. You get everything, babe. I'm going to drive you nuts, and you're going to hate me for it. But you're already used to that too!

I've got to go again. Just wanted to add that I love and miss you.

Hurry home to me, okay?

Vick x

* * *

 **April 27th 2014**

Dear Rowan,

Not long until you come home now. A couple of months, three months at most. I can't wait to hold you in my arms again, and watch all of the crappy tv programs that you love. I'm not even joking, I've started watching The Millionaire Matchmaker because it reminds me of you. They're horrific on that show, babe. I still don't understand why you love it so much. I've tried to understand it. And I can already feel the hook - I want to know what happens next, who she's going to have to deal with. That still doesn't mean I like it! Patti really needs to talk to a Soulseeker about different methods she could use.

Selene and Xav popped round mom and dad's yesterday, and we finally got to meet her. She's tiny, baby. 5'3", I think, and she already has Xav under her thumb - just as quickly as you had me under your's, I suppose. She's incredibly shy, which I didn't expect. Supposedly, Selene comes more out of her shell the more you get to know her. I can already tell that she loves kids - Hudson has already attached himself to her, and she doesn't seem to mind. I'm guessing that I'll be an uncle soon enough?

I saw how distant Trace was with her though. He's slipping, Ro. He's slipping fast. I hope he finds her soon, because he needs her like I need you.

And there I go, becoming all soppy again. I'd better stop now before I reveal how much of a sap I really am. God forbid someone finds these letters before you read them.

Hurry home to me, okay?

Vick x

* * *

 **May 31st 2014**

Dear Rowan,

I'm going to bed thinking about you again babe. It's less than a month until you get home from deployment, and I'm really excited. I can't wait for you to come home. I'm still taking it that no news is good news, because I haven't heard from you. I like to think that you're struggling to come up with things to say because you miss us so much, and it's too painful to write. For me, it's too painful not to write.

The kids miss you, as always. I think they're looking forward to you coming home more than I am - and that's saying something!

You said this would be your last deployment before you went. You wanted to go back to school and become a teacher. I'm excited for that day. I've done some thinking. I'm thinking I quit the FBI, join the local police. It's a lot less dangerous, and I won't have to travel. I've got so many plans for us baby.

So hurry home to me, okay?

Vick x

* * *

 **June 16th 2014**

You were supposed to come home in a couple of weeks, Ro. We got the letter from the army last week saying that. And then today... Baby, please excuse my writing. I can't stop my hand from shaking. I think my heart's broken, baby. They say that it was a mistake. That there was a roadside bomb that hadn't been discovered. That you went instantly. That there was no pain. They say that they'll compensate us. But how can they compensate losing your other half? I feel like half of me has died. And it has. You were the better half of me, baby. I was falling so badly before I found you. But you helped me up, you gave me a reason to keep on living. Nothing hurts like losing you.

How do I keep going? How do I raise our kids by myself? How do I tell them, Rowan, that mommy's never coming home?

How do I stay strong?

It was short, and sweet, and I wouldn't trade any second of us. I had a chance to know you, and that's more than a lot of people get. I'll meet you on the other side, okay?

Wait for me?

* * *

 _June 17th 2014_

 _I'm sorry sweetie. I didn't mean for this to happen. Tell Hollis and Emery that they're beautiful, and that they're my little princesses. Tell Hudson every day that I'd be proud of him. Tell them all that mommy loves them very much, and that she's sorry that she can't come home._

 _Vick, I love you so much. Please keep going, please be strong. Please be the man I know you are, and the man I love._

 _Take your time. I'll see you soon enough, don't hurry._

 _I'll wait for you._

 _Ro x_


End file.
